The Long Night

It was a long night.

When someone wakes you up at 1:37am it ought to be so.

My father has been complaining of breathlessness for couple of days now. We attribute it to acidity & cough, but it keeps on aggravating until the doctor senses something unusual & advises us to admit him for the night.

We reach hospital at around 9pm & within an hour they figure out that it is his heart that’s functioning sub-normally. My father doesn’t have any history related to heart or kidneys, so the doctors don’t know the cause yet, but at least medication is on now. They take him inside ICU & we can’t do much but wait outside impatiently.

It’s getting late now. So I convince everyone to go home & take rest, while I continue to await next update from the doctors. There is no specific update yet, but they make me run to pharmacy couple of times in an hour to get medicines. And then every doctor on duty makes me repeat my father’s medical history (or lack thereof). I can see that the night is going to be hectic. The day was tiring as well. So rather than sitting outside ICU, I walk into the waiting room, locate my bed & try to get some sleep if possible.

I have some exceptional abilities when it comes to sleeping. I guess I picked those up from my father. And these do not let me down even today. It’s around midnight & I doze off within 15mins.

-- oo --

At 1:37am they come calling me. It takes me couple of seconds to realize that I am in a hospital. I wake up, look at the watch & rush inside ICU. They hand me over another big list of medicines & I get those quickly.

While there, I glance towards my father & see that he is awake and as calm & relaxed as ever. That’s his hallmark. I have hardly seen him panicking ever since I can remember. Even then I sense something different in his eyes when he looks at me, closes his eyes & slowly opens them again almost as if he is trying to assure me. I don’t really know what it is, but I sense something for sure.

I don’t know what to do next. But then the doctor calls me over. We walk away from my father’s bed, when she tells me that both his kidneys aren’t functioning & that is putting pressure on rest of the body making it difficult for him to breath. She looks worried. I stay calm. She waits for my reaction, but I don’t know what to say. So she starts talking again. ‘I know this is sudden for you, but I must say his condition is critical’. She pauses again; almost expecting some kind of panic reaction from side & ready to console me. I stay calm. She waits for few seconds observing me & then proceeds with her own work.

I sign couple of consent forms they need my signature on & come out of ICU. I sit on a bench trying to digest whatever I just heard. Like my father, I don’t panic easily either and I manage to hold my nerve even now.

I try to keep the emotions aside & think of what to do next. I realize that I need to take some decisions quickly. Do I call home & wake up everyone? Or call a relative or a friend & request to come over to give me company. But then one person is sufficient to handle everything. So I drop the idea & decide to let everyone sleep. In any case, tomorrow would again be lot of work & running around.

Then I wonder if I need to go in & assure my father. I don’t know what to tell him. So I go in & catch hold of the doctor again. ‘Initially you told me that it’s probably a heart failure. Now if kidneys are the real issue, is his heart doing alright at least?’ I ask her. She is probably surprised to see me still calm & asking strange questions. But she puts it aside & answers, ‘May be you did not get me the last time. We can’t be so sure until kidneys start functioning again. So right now, we need to focus on kidneys & we are very worried about his state right now.’ I thank her & tell her that I understand. She looks at me, almost as if asking how come I am not worried. ‘It’s just that I don’t want to display emotions to a stranger’, I say to myself.

I go & see my father. He is still awake. I ask him how he is feeling now & he nods to indicate he is feeling better. He has oxygen mask on, so he can’t speak much. I assure him briefly, ask him to sleep & step out of ICU.

-- oo --

I don’t have much to do now. My mother would be coming in at around 7am. So I have more than 4hrs with myself. I sit on the bench again & feel almost nothing for next few moments.

Then all of sudden emotions come from nowhere & start pouring like Mumbai rains. I continue to look unperturbed on surface, but calmness & control is no longer there within. First wave that hits me is of loneliness. All of a sudden, my heart cries support & no one is around really. I wonder if I was right in deciding to stay alone there for the night & not call anyone.

But it’s not about having someone by my side really. It’s more than that. It’s that feeling as if I have never had anyone close enough in life. Psychologically speaking it is that basic ‘I don’t belong to anyone’ moment. Of course, mother, wife & sister are always there, but then they themselves hold as much stakes here.

I take out my cell phone & browse over my phone book. Sure, I have few friends & relations whom I consider very close to me & can call any time, but in that moment of loneliness, no name comforts me enough. I start from ‘A’ scroll down till ‘Z’ and start all over again. In the second iteration, I realize couple of things. One is that the individuals, who have been claiming bulk of my mindshare lately, do not seem to be close enough for me & in fact relations with some of them are as hollow as ever. On the contrary, all the people who matter & whom I can call any time, are all at a distance, some in different cities, some in different countries, some in regular touch, some in touch only once a while and some no longer close at all. I am surprised why I did not realize this earlier. How this simple fact escaped someone like me, to whom deep relations matter more than almost anything else & someone who keeps thinking about them?! Perhaps Orkuts and Facebooks have been giving false impressions of people being around while actually they are not.

Of course one can’t purposely form close relations. They just happen. So if there is no one in Pune who is close enough to me that is how it is. This makes sense, but it’s not time to be sensible. My emotions continue to run ahead of sense, as I find my loneliness getting replaced by a spell of guilt.

Even in that dark moment, I do not really curse myself for anything, but its guilt for sure. I find myself thinking about things which I should have done earlier; things like annual medical tests, keeping in touch with people, helping others and so on. I blame myself for being too occupied with work & not in touch with real life that’s right here.

This feeling grows and grows and grows till I start feeling suffocated & helpless. I find all the strength vanishing from my feet, as if I won’t even be able to stand on my own feet. ‘I am weak’, I think to myself. This thought comes like a lightening & makes me numb. I sit there in horror almost as if I just discovered a truth that was always there staring at me all the time.

I lose track of time. Stray thoughts join hands, take full control of me & shut down almost everything else. Mind seems like a cloudy sky & I can’t see much light anywhere.

All of a sudden, I stand up & walk into the ICU. I go & see my father. He is now fast asleep and his breath seems slow & steady. I feel relieved, so I come out again. I don’t see any point in just sitting there all the time. So I get into the waiting room & lie down on my bed.

My abilities to sleep at will seem highly inadequate now, as emotions galore. It seems like eternity. But moments pass and slowly I sense the sky beginning to clear up. I find my logical self making its presence felt once again.

I decide to review all my thoughts & segregate them neatly into categories. So I sort of revisit all that happened over last hour or so & gather all my thoughts together. With some effort I put them into 3 groups...

1. I feel lonely. I need support. And people who can give it.
2. I am guilty of ignoring important things, people, priorities, health.
3. I am weak to handle this situation.

As I go on defining these groups, I start seeing fallacy in some of these thoughts. I realize that even though there is some psychological truth in all these thoughts, they are all extreme & they probably came up just to help me get to terms with the stressful situation I have in front of me.

I realize that I have some very rich relations, some very close friends & there is no case for feeling lonely beyond a limit. I can see that I have been taking rational decisions most of the time & have been maintaining a reasonable balance amongst the various priorities of life as such. So there is no case for guilt either. I now feel I am strong & capable enough to handle a situation like this.

And then comes the “Aha!” moment. I decide to turn all the three groups on their head & flip the negative emotions into possibilities for future. So in my mind, I pick up the groups one-by-one in my hand & rephrase them…

1. How can I support people more & more?
2. How can I improve day-to-day decision making & form a more balanced world view?
3. How can I grow stronger every day?

The sky is now clear. I realize that I have an immediate task at hand that I must focus on for next few days. And I need to hold my nerve, act strong, take quick decisions & support everyone around. This is a tough ask, but it does not buckle me down now. I feel confident of my abilities to handle the situation.

I look at the watch. It is around 5 am. The long night seems to be getting over & there is a hint of light in the atmosphere. I seem to rediscover my ability to sleep at will. I still have 2 hours at hand, so I decide to sleep and within few minutes I am fast asleep.

-- oo --

18 days of hectic treatment in ICU did not help & my father finally passed away on 11-August-2009. I stayed calm & in control all throughout. When he took his last breath at 11:45pm, I was by his side. I had sense & courage to call on hospital staff & express a wish to donate his eyes.

The long night that once ended with light appeared to have returned for ever. But I am sure I will get over it. And I hope two fortunate people are seeing light of the day through my father’s eyes.

-- oo --

Through all this time, all of you came forth & offered unconditional help & support. Some helped by being there in person, some by their encouraging words and some just by deciding to leave me undisturbed & focused. Some were vocal about the help & some did it by being silent about it. I respect all of you & thank everyone for being there with me & my family. You all so easily proved that the thoughts of loneliness were uncalled for.